Those that know me, and have ever heard me even mention MY father, know that I loved Muneer Hassan Sr. more than any other person on the planet. Today, Dec 14th is the anniversary of his death.
In 1994, when I was just 20 years old, my dad committed suicide.
It was labeled an accidental death, but nonetheless I experienced my real life SUPERMAN lying there lifeless on the floor of his San Francisco home. I had never seen my dad, lifeless. Yet there he WAS quiet, still, and completely done with life. Besides the shock, my 20 year old conscience spoke to me. It was humbled and it said,
“When you die, you do nothing.”
Of course we’ve all got our beliefs and our wishes around death and some of us even have our fears around death.
My dad wasn’t afraid.
As a matter of fact, people that commit suicide aren’t afraid of death; they are afraid of life. Life is extremely challenging at times. Living and creating expectations or trying to live up to others expectations is truly a struggle at times. Unless we learn how to really get to know, love, and respect ourselves; and I do mean on a selfish level, sometimes it’s all about you. If we cannot do that, we will always have a hard time finding true peace and serenity.
OF COURSE I miss my father.
Of course I wanted him to see me get married.
He did, after all, know Tiffanie and he always told me, that if they were friends of mine, they were friends of his. MY DAD was a genius. He understood people and knew how to make them feel special. He was as charming as I am, and a studied man that could speak and teach with such confidence and conviction that even if he was bullshitting you, you’d be buying every wooden nickel he was selling… then he’d smile!
My Brilliant Father
My dad was a ladies man and a bigger flirt than myself. I remember he’d get on me for calling him ‘dad’ in the grocery store and be like, “Hey man, call me bro or something, but don’t be calling me dad!” He was kidding of course, but I so loved him for his sense of humor. My dad also taught me so many of life’s secrets and mysteries both with his life and in his death. He taught me that the element of surprise is an awesome game changer, with both your enemies and those you love.
What my dad had the hardest time with was the intimate relationships he had with women, and of course, himself.
He had his first child with Linda, another three with my mom Paula, who raised my half-brother Shakir for a time as well. Then he married Mabel, my step mom, AND raised her daughters Crystal, Evangela and their love child, Malikah. He finally hooked up with Barbara Maguirre and had Melissa; she is my youngest sister that I currently have no relationship with. It saddens me, and it made him sad as well, to have these relationships with women, then go through a shift in emotions and come to a point in the relationship where he had no tools and/or understanding as how to make things work.
My dad was a Leo, he knew very much how to fight or flee. He did both! While I now understand his limitations and short comings as a man, I STILL CELEBRATE HIM because while he’s no Superman, like I thought he was, he was a loving and caring father to all of his kids. A simple man raised in a dysfunctional family just like the rest of us. He did his best and when he couldn’t bear the pain anymore, he checked out.
He shot up a speedball after six years of sobriety and working in recovery. He said fuck it!
Yes, I use foul language like my dad did. I was raised by him primarily and he allowed me to curse as a kid. He also taught me to be appropriate with my energy and actions. I know better than to go into a synagogue, or house of prayer, and be Mr. Potty Mouth. Yet, I’m a grown and responsible man who sometimes chooses to use these colorful adjectives to express my grittiness, and give a bit of flavor to my words.
This morning’s post is really about me celebrating the life of my father.
The man that inspired me to operate tractors,…
My love for these awesome machines came from my father.
…and got me into landscaping in the first place.
My DIY Network days!
My dad was a comedian and often acted crazy. He was Bipolar, no wonder! None of these qualities could fully label and explain who he truly was as a person though. The only way to express that, in my opinion, would be to say that he was beautifully complex.
Just like the way that life is.
Life isn’t static. It’s forever changing.
Clouds roll into our lives from time to time
The clouds often roll in and bring a gloomy darkness in order to create balance. Yes, I’m speaking philosophically. I’m a self-proclaimed philosopher, I thought you knew. Philosophy is nothing more than a way of seeing or living life. It gives reason or meaning to life. I live the way I do and I am the way I am because I subscribe to the belief that we’re all evolving. We’re developing and growing, hopefully learning and improving so that we can improve our future lives, definitely our kids, and even those that come after us.
I’ve always thought that the most significant way that I can pay homage to my father is to continue to evolve and take all of the tools and characteristics I learned from him and go a bit further. I want to stretch into the unknown and not allow the demons that ultimately took him out to do the same work on me through my mind.
Again I think back to that December 14th, 1994.
I remember my consciousness acknowledging that when you’re dead you do nothing. I also recall that my next thought was “Well if I’m alive and being alive is the opposite of being dead, apparently I’m supposed to be doing everything!” I have been doing everything ever since.
I plan on leaving a proud legacy for my beautiful bride and our wonderful family
I am Ahmed, son of Muneer, the luminous and brilliant one.
I have an obligation to my father and his father and my ancestors that have passed.
I have an obligation to the planet and those people that know me.
An obligation to learn, to teach, to love and then perish.
I consciously choose to harness all of my pain, my internal struggles, and my passion to create the life of my dreams. No matter what, I will stay focused on this as the goal. I may, or may not, be understood. I may, or may not, be accepted; but no matter what I’ll remember to always love myself. I’ll stand in the space to remind others to always love themselves.
I love and miss you Dad and I thank the Universe for allowing me the privilege of coming and learning from you.
ASII (And So It Is)
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Very beautiful…..touching and left me with yet another view of you….I normally just read and leave, but today I wanted to let you know that you are an awesome human being and I am glad you are in this world….and your contributions are felt in many many places, and I bet your dad is proud of you for what you’ve done and what you do. Blessings and peace to you and your family! #Afan
Ahmed,
Thank you for posting that. I’m very sorry for the loss of your dad. It’s clear that you spent a lot of time and heart writing those words.
I lost my dad in 1992 to suicide when I was in high school. I still think of him often – his humor, his work ethic, and his presence. He too had his demons and those are important lessons learned for me.
While I don’t know you personally, I think you’ve become a man your dad would be proud of.
Persevere.
So sorry for you loss, kinda sounds like you found him?… You are right, they are not afraid of death, but life itself and all they want to do is stop the pain they are feeling. Being a “Life Coach”, you hear so many painful stories from people that want to end that pain and are desperate to do so. They feel that they will hurt us more by staying than going. It’s hard to get them to realize just the opposite is the truth. You have accomplished so much in your life and your Father is so proud of you…
ASII… Namaste my friend.
Ahmed Hassan; philosopher, landscaper, TV personality, loving and honorable son. You do your father proud, no doubt.
My condolences. I love that you celebrate him. Powerfully written. Best wishes to you and your family.
Ahmed!! Wow!!! Very Inspiring!! That you for sharing a huge part of you with the world! I see you in an even more positive way after reading this!!!
Signed ~ Fan for Life
Beautiful piece. Thank you for sharing such intimate parts of yourself. Today, December 14, is my 41st wedding anniversary, a gentle rem I need that it’s not an entirely bad date. Peace to you on this emotional day and always.
Your dad did good in raising you. I am sure you are a lot like him.
Mental illness is hard to overcome and addiction is even harder. I suffer from depression, have since I was a child. I know the pain I feel having lost both of my parents within 5 months of each other. They were both the loves of my life. Today I will celebrate your dad and my friendship in you.
Have a blessed day.
Thank you. This is powerful and beautiful.
Thanks for sharing your memories of your dad, great post! {{Hugs}} today
Well said…spoken from the heart and soul. There is victory in celebrating life!
thank you.
What a beautiful tribute. My dad passed suddenly just after Christmas at only 68. He, too, was an imperfect man doing his best. He had his demons. He hated and loved deeply. He could be scary and he could be Mr. Charismatic. When I went through a very dark time that turned out to be a life changing blessing, he would have done anything to fix me. He didn’t know how and he could be awful but he loved me. The night before he died he and I had the best conversation we ever had. All last summer, the dragonflies, one in particular, would land on my hand or book as I floated in the pool. Everyday, staying for hours. I believe Dad sends them. today at Walmart, someone randomly left a dragonfly ornament on the candy display. Dad? Of course I bought it. Oh, and he could make cursing sound like poetry, just like all his 7 brothers and one of his sisters. Thanks for sharing. I really like you as a person, by the way.
Your father will be with you forever. So celebrate him.
sorry to hear that but glad u making it thru buddy
That was AWESOME…Daddy Muneer is proud of you and pushing you through from Heaven…I dont have to tell you this, You already know this in your heart, Ahmed..Prayers to you, your siblings and the Beautiful Women/Mothers he chose to create/nurture his children ♡♡♡
~Sharon
Ahmed, I have worked in EMS for 34 years. I have pretty much seen “it all” when it comes to pain. Those who commit suicide want life to end the right now life, not necessarily their life forever. As you said, it is the inability to see that some tomorrow will be brighter. We only get a vision of what lies ahead, not a guarantee. Depression is a terrible disease. It is misunderstood, often left untreated because of the feeling of failure. Sometimes it is just intense sadness.
At 62, I start to look at how much longer I will possibly have to enjoy my children and grandchildren. How many more moments that my husband and I can create together. When the end comes, I know that it will still not be long enough. I have chosen to make the most. And I see that in you. You clearly love your family, and realize what a gift you have in your art of working with nature to create beautiful spaces.
Never give in to depression, always share the thoughts. Move to the sunshine. You make us all smile, so what would we do without that.
Thank you for sharing your feelings about your Pop. He sure was a handsome man.
AWESOME. I have been a fan of yours since you started on Yard Crashers. It is great that you have shared this story. Simply wonderful, God Bless
Blessed be!
Ahmed, thank you for sharing your thoughts about your father. I lost my mom 12/13/1997 due to illness and think about her all the time. I appreciate your ability to put into words and share your feelings. I love reading your posts and miss you on yard crashers. Thanks again
Thank you for sharing this. Though it is sad, I am happy that you have good memories of your Father and I I love that you share your thoughts this way, along with your ideas on landscaping. People may say that you share TOO much but some days, you have written things that have helped me THINK. This is always a good thing! Ha!
Thanks for sharing! Peace, blessings and respect….always!!!
The circle of life…can hurt so much but fortunate for us all is beautiful most of the time. I don’t have the gift of eloquence with my words as you do but just want to say I’m sorry for your sorrow and wish a happier day for you tomorrow .
Thank you for a beautifully written homage to your father…
My dad passed away in April of this year! I was devastated. My mom had previously been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer a month earlier. I thought I wouldn’t be able breathe after hearing and living through all this horrific news.It was just too much to happen to our family in one month. I go through bouts of depression because since my dad died, my mom has been hospitalized 4 times. Oh how I miss my dad. His name was Allen Thomas Murphy. He was a jazz/blues singer and professional drummer. I talked to him every week. He always had a joke or some form of enlightment to share with me during our one hour conversations. I miss him dearly. I know your blog is about your dad. I just wanted to thank you for sharing your memories of your dad with me. I too believe you have to live your life doing everything. It’s a blessing to have life. You don’t know what’s in store tomorrow. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing. I suffered with depression for years and even survived a few suicide attempts. It wasn’t until I lost a really good friend and also a cousin both to suicide that it hit me. I never wanted to feel like that again and I never wanted to make anyone else feel that type of pain. I turned to meditation and prayer and even though I still have those depressed moments, I don’t let it take me all the way down. I am thankful for you Ahmed. You are one of the most honest people I have encountered. I wish you continued success. Peace and Blessings to you and your family.
Ahmad, that was so wonderful to read! It brought back the wonderful thoughts I too used to have about him. I was so in love and so looked up to him. Thanks for the wonderful memories of who Muneer Hassan, Sr. really was! Love, Auntie
Thank you for those words. They were definitely meant for you to share and reach others. So true a statement that ‘they’re not afraid to die, they are afraid to live’. God bless you and your family.
Ahmed, thank you for sharing your story. Your father seemed like a great guy and I’m sure he’s watching over you with great pride. I understand how you feel during this time around your dad’s anniversary date. I lost my mom on Nov. 15, 1983, & I was 21. It’s always a little more emotional around this time of the year, even now after so long. I used to enjoy watching you on Yard Crashers. Your creativity, enthusiasm & hardwork was such a joy to watch. I have rentals & used to like to be creative like you, but the last several years with injuries & declining health I haven’t been able to do much of anything. Watching you always would perked me up & made me feel like I was accomplishing something, even if it was just from my couch. When you weren’t on anymore I was disappointed! I decided to search you out & found you on FB. I enjoy reading your posts on the newsfeed! Life seems to be treating you & your family well. You give joy to people close and afar, and your father help to create this ability in you to help others. You’re really an inspiration and I’m grateful to your father for giving you the qualities to be the person you are!
Hey Ahmed! Sending you prayers and comfort. I lost my mother January 3,1990. Nearly 25 years ago. I still go through my bouts of depression during this time of year. You keep those great memories of your father. As long as you our living and breathing you keep his spirit alive. Here is a big hug! God bless!
Rick Simmons
Sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like the inner demons were too much to bear in the end. You have memories as I have memories of my dad too. He died 30 yrs ago, not by his own hand, but by cancer.
Peace be with you. God Bless, Jim Brownsell
PS- Enjoyed your show on DIY!
Beautifully said…heartfelt and loving words to honor your Dad. He sees the man you’ve become….
Sad and wonderful at the same time. So well wrote and thank you for sharing your story.
Very heartfelt Ahmed. My family is very familiar with mental illness and loss, and I appreciate your gritty honesty. Best wishes to you and all your loved ones.
A beautiful and very real tribute, Ahmed. I look forward to seeing you back on mainstream television.
I feel your pain, it is always hard to loose a parent. I pray for you and your family. We always enjoyed watching you on your show.
I lost both my parents some time ago, but I still struggle with their death. They didn’t die by their own hand but we had those that did. It’s a hurt that never goes away but somehow we got through it. Just isn’t easy.
You had an amazing dad. I’m sure you miss him. He has a pretty nice son too.
Thank you for sharing your reality world with us. In life we never really know what others are experiencing or have experienced and by seeing the outside, we tend to believe they have a perfect life, when in fact there is no such thing as perfect life… I feel your pain in this and I’m sorry about your loss. It’s evident your father was a good man with inner turmoils that he struggled with. We never know when or how our time may come to cease to exist, but as long as we live it is our duty to make life as perfect as we can. You did your father well and is making him a proud dad in heaven..may you always be blessed.. ASA.
I like the way you write about your Father. Realizing his humanity while holding him high. I fee Happy and sad for you.
Thinking about how much I enjoyed your show Yard Crashers- your personality definitely shown through. I felt, weirdly, like you were my friend. It’s nice to see those wonderful traits you got from your Dad. And helps me think more about the positive traits I got from my parents although as you said we are all rIsed in disfunctional families.
Good luck and look forward to seeing you on TV again- when the time is right!
Beautiful!
Dear Ahmed,
Though I am a HUGE fan of yours on television I just become a COLLOSUAL fan for life after reading your blog post! I don’t have the experience of losing a parent however, I do understand the loss and pain of a loved one. My husband Norman Maurise Spruill was killed on April 16, 2012 while serving our country in Afghanistan. As I read through your blog post, I sincerely admire your love, respect as well as affection towards your father. Life is so precious then when some is gone it leaves a void of sorts but in the void of pain there is life. In my pain I founded The Norman Spruill House Foundation in loving memory of my beloved.
In your case, the death of your father gave you a new direction to follow your passions and desires in your landscaping organization. Your heart-felt story about your father was very courageous and I salute you for your bravery to open your personal life to the world. Even though your father may have had his short comings his care and love for his children indeed shows through you.
My beloved Normie Norm never considered himself as a hero while alive but in the eyes of our children and others he paid the ultimate sacrifice for others to live free. Even though your father’s death was labeled an accidental, I see it no less than the ultimate sacrifice for you and your family to live free!
Continue to touch and change the world Ahmed! All that you was birth in you from the very beginning of time.
Warm regards,
Yvette Clayborne-Spruill
p.s. Your NEW COLLOSUAL fan!
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.~Psalm 34:18~ God bless you and your family Ahmed.
May your father’s spirit continue to rest in perfect peace Ahmed. I understand your pain. I lost my dad in march this year. Still very painful but I remain alive and believe in the future. You are a fighter, and I believe your father is still in spirit with you and must be very proud of you and all you have achieved for yourself. I want you to know that I have gained one more knowledge from your message today, this is to ‘…learn how to really know, love and respect ourself…even to the point of selfishness’. I think I got the deep meaning you aim to create here. Once we understand that our happiness matters too, then so many worries one actually consciosly takes on becomes infinitesimal to a point not to hurt or harm us. We all matter as individuals. A ‘learning to love thineself’ also. Once again, thank you for sharing this part of you, and I hope you continue to remain strong, you have survived it all and it can never get any worse again. Bless~
Ahmed,
You didn’t post this for me or any other face in the crowd but I thank you just the same.
December has the highest suicide rate of any month and for some reason I have been thinking of every person I’ve known who checked out too early or lived a lifestyle that took them too early, or existed in a state from which they never learned to escape and claim life.
There have been days and years in my own life when the only thing that kept me getting up in the morning was something once said to me, “God gave you a gift. How dare you throw it back in his face.” I may not be humbled by much but that put it in perspective for me.
I find it interesting that I crossed paths with you online. You are a reminder that the more things change the more they stay the same. You are a reminder that even the doors I have closed and bolted at one point are opened without so much as my bidding at another.
I’ve been feeling little and insecure, things most who know me don’t even know are in my vocabulary and the only frailty that even after 31 years without a drink can creep in and create such discomfort it feels like it will drown me. My grandmother used to say, “There is time to rest when you are dead. Until then, get up and get busy!” Unlike you, there are failings I do not forgive because I have seen lives destroyed by people with no remorse. As a woman and the oldest in my family I have always felt an obligation to those who came after me where you have the obligation to honor what came before. There is much in our experience that differs but in reading your post there is enough that is similar, making this very relevant and timely in my own world.
Thank you again for your candor. I’m old school and so, since you choose life, may I wish you, in celebration of the holiday season, a Merry Christmas. May you have joy and renewal in whatever your faith or means of celebration. — Blessings
Thank you for sharing such personal introspections from these moments in your life. You never know who will read them and have it impact their life in some meaningful, life-altering way. It’s always interesting to learn a bit about what “makes” someone who they are. In watching you on TV, I always wondered where the heck you got all that energy! The paragraph about doing the opposite of nothing because you’re alive explains a lot. And makes total sense!! Best wishes to you on what is surely a very profound day for you! -Christy
Wow….this was so powerful and REAL! I was led to your website today, because I’m a huge fan of your work as a landscape artist. I loved you on Yard Crashers and I can’t bring myself to watch the show without you being on it. I came to your site to look and see what you were up to these days and so I can follow you as a fan of your artistry, I am now a fan of you as a man, an energy, a power broker! I loved this piece because it’s speaking to my spirit that has mentally checked out, I keep trying to fight these feelings of self defeat, this feeling of why is this happening to me, this feeling of living in the past successes. You’ve inspired me to check back in, and to LIVE and be doing EVERYTHING as you said. If you’re alive you should be doing something. It’s time for me to get up off my ass (I also curse) and do what is needed to surpass my past success and not let anything or anyone get in that way! The most important person to get out of my way of success is ME! Thank you so very much for sharing this poignant piece on your celebration of life about your dad, but mostly about starting each day with a fervor to just KILL IT….It’s time for me to KILL IT!!! Thanks Ahmed Hassan….you have touched my life….I am forever changed….
Ahmed, I just want to say that I appreciate you opening up to the world. People sometimes want to hide the what society defines as imperfections, but you are willing to be open about you, who you are and where you came from. I know it is hard to lose someone who believed that taking his own life would set him free. Even though you had only a short time with your father, he truly had taught you how to live. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts. God bless you and yours.
Natasha
Ahmed,
This is a wonderful memorial to your father. Appreciate you sharing with us. Miss you on tv, but enjoy your posts on Facebook. Will you ever come to Cincinnati for a home and garden show? You are always welcome to improve our back or front yard. God bless you always.
You are in one simple word AMAZING!